head needs to catch heart
in my head i knew amputation was necessary to rid sullivan from his pain, offer him a great quality of life, and extend his life expectancy but i was having a very difficult time wrapping my head around the reality of it all.
in the days between our dr. casale appointment (september 27th) and sullivan’s survery (october 3) we did a lot of soul searching and yet again, sought the council and wisdom of doctors and friends. we took sully on his favorite activities, lots of car rides and spent a lot of time loving on him.
sully enjoyed a trip to castle island in south boston to visit his namesake, “sullivan’s”, and gobbled up a hot dog while watching the air planes land at logan.
he continued to keep a watchful eye on the neighborhood and spent hours on end sitting on the top step watching the leaves fall, kids bike around the subdivision and tried to catch the unassuming squirrel off guard with a growl and quick chase.
i struggled with the notion that despite having some of the top veterinary minds look at sullivan, a clear diagnosis was still not achieved. sure, it was thought to be trauma to the tricep or a nerve sheath tumor but we didn’t know for sure. amputating a dog’s leg when you “don’t know for sure” seems harsh and of questionable judgement. why couldn’t a color gradation have shown up on the mri? why were the x-rays of sully’s humerus normal when he is 95% lame? i knew in my head that amputation was the best decision, but i just couldn’t get my heart to support the conclusion.
my mom struggled with an ethical dilema wondering how it was okay to have this surgery performed “without sullivan’s permission”. what if he didn’t want to fight this? what if he didn’t want to live three-legged for the rest of his life? what if he didn’t want to endure an invasive surgery? who are we to force him into this changed state of life? conversations with dr. a, suzy starr and friends helped reify the reality that we are indeed the advocates and custodians of our furry friends and thus, need to make well-informed, compassionate, thoughtful decisions on their behalf.
many questioned the depths we went to to figure out the root of sully’s problem. many of those individuals are of the mindset that dogs are pets. we believe that dogs are family, and deserve respect, humanity, compassion and love. i love sullivan more than i love many of the people in my life. his unconditional love for me and unsurpassed enthusiasm for life is beyond inspirational. he’s given me his best each and every day, and in turn, i owe him the same. despite medical bills, trips back and forth to angell, rearranging work schedules – you find a way to do what you have to do to do right by your family.
others who found out about sullivan’s condition peripherally said, “you can’t have a three legged dog. he won’t be able to move around. he’ll be handicapped. that’s cruel.” i realized that this journey afforded a wonderful opportunity. from here on forward i would be able to educate people about the abilities of three-legged dogs, allow people to see how happy they are, and use sullivan as a witness for spirit, courage and bravery.
re-referencing the dialogue with dr. holmes: how can i send my dog to pain management when i don’t know what the problem is? how can we talk about gauging the quality of life signs when i don’t know what the problem is? though not sure of the exact diagnosis, we were given a treatment plan that would improve and enhance sully’s quality of life for one, two, five or ten years. is there any other option? no.
the night before surgery sullivan again indulged in his favorite delicacies, and spent hours gnawing on a himalayan dog chew. calm and happy, he had no idea what was to happen to him in the morning. he was living in the moment, loving life free of worry – a lesson we should all heed.
in the quiet, tender moments with sully leading up to the surgery, i believe sullivan “gave us his permission” and accepted what was to happen. his eyes told a story – and reflected an appreciation for the impending release of pain and discomfort.
despite the moments of incredible pain early on in this journey, sullivan displayed unsurpassed courage and fight. unable to move around with ease, he entertained his brothers in play, jumped in the car for rides, and tried to go on business as usual. despite his valiant efforts, i knew he wasn’t at peace or comfortable. perhaps this surgery would offer that relief and provide him a new lease on life unencumbered? in that moment my heart caught up to my head and despite continued emotional turbulence, knew that this was for the best.
